Relationships and Words

How many of us simply speak to others as we have been spoken to for most of our lives? Oh, that’s most of us! If we were brought up by parents who were loving and careful in effective communication—to others, to us—we are likely to pick up their positive interpersonal habits. For the rest of us, well, unless we learned it somehow or other along the way, we often need to learn, possibly the hard way.

Canadian writer Louise Penny’s main character, Armand Gamache, is a good teacher, instructing his police trainees as follows: “Civility,” he says, “How can we expect it if we don’t give it?” Before speaking, he recommends that we consider what we’re about to say by asking ourselves: “Is it true? Is it kind? Does it have to be said?”

Is it true? It matters that what we say about someone is true as: What do we get out of telling a person that they are X or Y when our assessment isn’t based on fact? How else do we expect them to respond to something not true except defensively? Accusing someone of being or doing something that is not factual gets us nowhere and doesn’t put us in a very good light. In fact, it says rather more about our issues than the person we’re accusing. Often it’s reactive and involves projection.

Is it kind? No matter what we say, it is vital to put it in the kindest way possible. As someone hears our message and because hurting them is not really what we want to do. If we want to get our message across, its not great to be blocked by someone trying to protect themselves from being hurt. Kindness costs nothing. It may take a bit of time to consider and frame what we wish to say in a thoughtful manner, but it’s worth the effort. Kind doesn’t make you vulnerable. Being kind shows self-confidence and self-control.

Does it have to be said? We are all guilty of repeating the obvious. It can make others feel very aware of something wrong and it may not be that constructive. Does every thought we have need to be voiced? The same way that we filter our incoming thoughts we can filter our outgoing ones.

St Paul reminds us in 1 Thessalonians 5:11

‘Therefore encourage one another and build up each other, as indeed you are doing’ 

 

A prayer based on the word of Joel Osteen

Father, help me to always bring out the best in others.

Help me to bless people with caring and kind words,

to give the gift of encouragement,

and to always speak words of life.

Help me to fill my heart with affirmation

so that I can encourage those around me today and everyday.